I feel bad. Not physically, and not the guilty sort of bad either..just bad.
I think i liked summer because it allowed me to just sit around on my ass, and not have to deal with my shortcomings. Now at school, i'm pretty much forced to relize the little things about me that i don't like. And, you know, that sucks. It's stupid things, but they make a big difference to me, my mood, etc. For example, sometimes i catch myself saying the stupidest things, but only because of the people i'm around, and i figured that's what they want to hear. Or i'm being really nice to someone i just don't like, or being really pretentious and loud and obnoxious around people i want to like me who happen to be all those things. It's as if i'm putting on an act for someone all the time, and somewhere under all the crap i pretend to be is the real me. The me i'm afraid to find. I haven't really figured out who
exactly i'm pretending to be, so i seem different to everybody. That's where i get lost.
Don't you sometimes feel like you want to break down and apologize for everything? Just go out and find a bunch of people you've somehow wronged, and say to each of them "you know, you've been on my mind and i can't get past some of this stuff between us that's never really been talked about, so i just wanted to apologize for my part in all of it."
There are so many people out there who i want to say that to. That's not to mean that i want to rehash all the bad-ness, but get over it and be better friends. Then all that'd be left is just two people who can be there for each other. No crap.
Maybe if i had that, i wouldn't feel so damn pathetic sometimes.
Music: Somebody's Crying - Chris Isaak
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