Garage Doors and Computer Fans
A distinguishing feature of my life is that I have these occasional, split-second HUGE fuck ups. They’re the kind where I would give anything short of a limb to turn the clock back two seconds.
Example A. My computer. The reason this blog died for about 8 months. The scenario included something being stuck into somewhere it didn’t belong. It took exactly 5 milliseconds, followed by about 30 minutes of quiet, meditative self-loathing.
Example B. My car, and my aestheticians garage door. I don’t know what the hell happened. I was just turning right, then left, then right, then stopping. This was too much for me to handle apparently. You’d think I’d have no problem with something as basic as THE ONE ON THE LEFT IS THE BRAKE. You’d think that, but you’d be wrong. I broke two of three panels on the garage door, there is now a Lancer shaped hole in it. Luckily, the electric mechanism remained intact – otherwise I would have been out about $1200 apparently. But, because someone up there likes me, her next patient’s father was a garage door guy (?!), and charged her $60, and $40 for the paint job. My car is also fine, it only took some turpentine to get the paint of the door off of the hood.
I learned my lesson. The obvious one – like don’t stick stuff where it doesn’t belong, and always be mentally present in a car – will stay with me for a while. What I’m having more trouble with is the fact that these incidents, let’s call them, have to represent something deeper. There’s something wrong with me. Nothing I’m conscious of, of course, none of these things were done on purpose, but something in my brain is a little off. I’m out of control.
That’s just it. All of these situations I find myself in where my mind sort of ignores the essential activity of controlling my body, are simply a representation of the mess my mind is. I’m always thinking of a million things at once, and I can’t prioritize to save my mother’s life. This means that I’m never really 100% focused on what I’m doing at any given moment, since I’m thinking of at least ten other unimportant things. That’s the kicker – that they’re completely and utterly unimportant. I don’t need to think about most of them until the time they become relevant. It is only through some arrogant and righteous flaw in my personality that I keep this running To Do list in my head at all times. But really, who am I kidding, I’m not the only person going through grade 12, going to school next year, working, dying from my homework load, trying to make it to club meetings and juggling a home and social life on top of all that.
My point is, I had a problem with too many things on my plate that I couldn’t handle. So I have to stop some of them. Work only one day, turn down the extra-curricularity, read more, sleep more, stress less. For a month, I did nothing but whine about how much work I had to do, and how I didn’t eat well, or get enough rest. Now, I have formed the very solid opinion that I was full of it. Shit that is. It’s all my problem. My fault, as Mr. Delios would say. No one’s making me do anything, it’s all choice. And I just made a bunch of wrong ones because I was beefing up my future applications, looking to earn more money I didn’t really need, and trying to impress everyone with how well-rounded I was.
That’s enough of that. I’m done. I’m doing homework. Making dinner every once in a while. Reading. Nothing that’s not for me. If I were to get sick suddenly, those would be the things that I would try to keep doing.
Think about it. If you, or say one of your family members became (god forbid) terminally ill, how would you prioritize your life?
P.S. I’m sorry for preaching. :S
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